What actually happens in a swinger club?

For many people, the swingers club is one of the first places where they actually start to use the sexual freedom of an open relationship. All the more, before the first visit there is often uncertainty and misinformation about what a swingers club actually is, what happens there and whether it is worth going there at all.

The only information that can be found in this regard is often that offered by the clubs themselves and that, by all logic, does not seem to be a very reliable source of honest information.

Therefore, I would like to tell you here what exactly you can expect, what you can look out for and of course clear up some common prejudices!

And a short note for you: I only write about heterosexual swingers clubs here.

Introduction: What is a swingers club?

First of all, a swingers club is a place where people meet who are interested in partner swapping or even just voyeuristic or exhibitionistic behavior. Not everyone who goes to a swingers club wants to have sex with people other than their partner. And not everyone has the same ideas about what is okay and what is not. You have to make these rules for yourself and, if necessary, in agreement with your companion, and they are supported by the fact that a clear no is binding in any case and is protected by the club's house rules. Who does not keep to a clear no will be kicked out. This rule can be found in absolutely every club, and usually it is explicitly stated somewhere on the homepage.

The vast majority of swingers clubs are structured very similarly. There is a reception where you pay and usually get a locker key (shared as a couple). There you will also be asked if you have been there before and if not you will often be offered a guided tour, where you can have a look at everything, usually without paying the entrance fee.

Somewhere there is a unisex changing room where you can change and stow your stuff. There is a bar where you can usually get free drinks. This often but not always includes alcoholic beverages. In addition, there is usually a buffet with more or less good food, which is also included in the price.

Furthermore, the club is usually divided into two areas, a formal part and the play area. In the formal part there are all the things I just listed, usually there is also a dance floor. Many clubs have a dress code, for this formal area. Most of the time the rules say something like that reasonably chic or sexy clothes are desired and the later the evening gets, the less important it is to wear anything at all. Most of the time you are allowed to walk around in lingerie, or extremely lightly dressed, before everyone else does, without being bothered. In this formal part, you usually have nothing more to expect than more nudity than you might otherwise be used to. Occasionally some more vigorous petting or oral sex will occur, but for the most part this activity is moved to the play areas fairly quickly.

The play area is usually several rooms that are covered with mats. There are towels to put underneath for hygienic reasons and condoms and wipes within reach. In these play areas, as you might have guessed, you can have sex.

The play areas usually have different “themes”. There are smaller and larger play areas and often also areas in which two or four people can withdraw and make the room “closed”, so that no one else comes in. But that doesn't mean that no one else is watching – you have to expect that.

These small rooms are usually highly frequented and therefore you should not be annoyed if they are “occupied” – if you wait a bit, the rooms will eventually become free again.

The play areas are comfortable for about 8 to 20 people and there is often a voyeuristic element, i.e. even when the play area is “full” there are usually still places to watch from. It's not surprising that something usually happens in these crowds and sometimes, ironically, more happens there than on the playgrounds themselves.

What should I expect?

First of all: Meanwhile, absolutely every swingers club has a clear “No means no” rule. This rule is supported by the fact that anyone who does not abide by it flies out without refund and is banned from the club.

This rule can be a bit confusing at first, because it forces you to behave differently than you would elsewhere. On the one hand, you have to have the courage to actually say no if you don't want something. A no can be verbal or it can simply mean that you put away the hand that you suddenly feel somewhere on you. On the other hand, it also gives you security. If you change your mind after a no and you still feel like it, you can cancel your no by communicating clearly again.

This rule alone can make a visit to a swingers club very worthwhile for you. Here you can, if you are not already doing so, live out your self-determined sexuality within a clearly regulated framework.

Furthermore, you have to expect that you will see other people having sex. And you must expect to hear and smell these people. Even if you personally do not find these people aesthetically pleasing and normally would not like to look at them naked. Of course you can always just look away, but to know where you don't want to look, you have seen it before.

This is much less bad than you might think now. At the end of the day, we're all just people, and even people who don't meet your own aesthetic standards have fun having sex and a right to do so. That's all it is. People who appear unhygienic usually don't even come in. However, the smell in the air may bother you. This has nothing to do with a lack of hygiene, but simply with the fact that many people who have sex produce a particular odor. Especially because there won't be any windows wide open for reasons of discretion.

To the next point: If you are on a public play with your companion, you can expect that people around you will also have sex. Especially if these people are in close physical proximity, it is possible that at some point a hand will cautiously tat over and first touch an innocuous spot like a shoulder or leg.

If you don't want that to happen, you can put your hand away at that point or speak up against it. You can also say “Stop.” at any later time. However, you should feel able to do this when visiting a swingers club. If for some reason you and/or your companion are not able to set boundaries, I would advise against a visit to a swingers club.

If you have chosen a club that allows solo males, you can expect that there will be masturbating men somewhere. You should take that into account in this case. Most of the time, it doesn't take much more than body language to let these men know that they can't do more than look. From an appropriate distance, however, they can not be stopped from watching. (And no, don't worry, you won't get splashed, that would result in a ban for the respective gentlemen). Often there is also an area where only couples have access.

It can happen that you or your companion or both of you are hit on together. However, these pick-up attempts are usually much more shy and quiet than in the usual nightclub environment.

It is also common to have several small groups of people who already know each other and also mainly talk to each other, with little approaching of new people. If you are shy, you may feel like you are the only ones who don't know anyone else. But you can quickly change that if you simply approach someone from these groups in a friendly and open manner, or look around to see who else is there “alone”.

Otherwise, you have absolutely nothing to fear.

If this is the case, why are so many people so afraid of swingers and couples clubs? Actually, anyone could go there and watch live porn together with their companion? Yes, exactly, you could do that! Entering a swingers club does not oblige you to have sex with others, not even to active sexuality at all. You can also go there just to eat and/or get drunk if you want to. (An option I can recommend to every woman. Women usually pay almost no entrance fee in swingers clubs, but more about that later).

That the visit of swingers clubs is nevertheless not so widespread, is in my opinion due to some prejudices and misinformation.

Prejudice: Facts and myths
Prejudice: There are only old people there
Many young people have the prejudice that swinging is something that only the 60+ generation does and that, accordingly, they would mostly find old gentlemen in such clubs who regard them as “fresh meat”. To make it short: This is not the case.

Many swingers clubs have an audience whose average age is between 35 and 45. Experience shows that the range goes from 18 to 75, which means that yes, there are some people who are older. But not only. It also depends on which audience the club has, usually this can be found out relatively easily and quickly with a little trick. (I explain this trick further down in the article).

If the idea of older people makes you very uneasy, there are also special young couples nights where the average age is under 30.

Heads up: These are usually booked up months in advance. There is definitely a high demand, in the younger age range.

Prejudice: There are only chavs there
Many people think that most people in the swinger scene are “simple-minded” or simply stupid. I don't know where this prejudice comes from, but I can say that it is not true.

Fact is: The swinger scene is a cut through (almost) ALL social classes. There you will meet people who have an education, people with office jobs and people with PhDs and so on and so forth. You will meet there not only your own social environment, but also the people with whom you otherwise have less to do. Only the weaker social classes are usually not to be found here, because they simply cannot afford to pay the entrance fee.

Prejudice: There are only professional ladies there
This is also a prejudice, which is not true. I do not know the law, but so far I have found on every homepage, be it the one of the smallest provincial club, a rule that professional sex workers are clearly not welcome and it should be reported immediately if there is a suspicion that someone is here to make money.

It may be that there are such clubs. However, a quick internet search leads to an extremely clear result. Why should it be different? People who want to buy sexual services go to a brothel and not to a swingers club. So, apart from a few black sheep that may exist, there is no sex for sale in the swinger scene. Everyone pays admission and that's it. You don't buy a guarantee of sex, even if it is sometimes claimed otherwise at men's surplus parties.

Prejudice: Swingers are poly
A prejudice I once had myself for a while is the idea that everyone who goes to a swingers club also has an open relationship. That's not the case. Some couples actually go there just to see and be seen, and many other couples have clear rules about how far they want to go. Many there don't even want a partner swap and I was admittedly surprised at first when I realized this myself for the first time.

And to emphasize it again very clearly: Very few swingers live polyamory. So you really don't need to go there if you hope to find a complement for your open relationship. The swinger scene is even one of the last places where I would do that. Swingers have often shed the restriction of sexual exclusivity in an impressive way – but only within this strictly defined framework. Many do absolutely nothing outside of such events and almost all of them exclude an emotional connection to another partner. Of course, you can meet someone now and then for whom this is different – but it is not the rule.

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Choice of club: swingers or couples club?
First of all, it should be noted that there are big differences between different swingers clubs. Some clubs are not called swingers clubs, but couples clubs, because mixed-sex couples are admitted there and not individuals. The exact relationship between you and your companion is not checked.

And this is where you can start choosing a club: What do you want? What do you dare to do? And what are your demands?

A couples club has the advantage that there are no solo men there. While traditional swingers clubs are mainly financed by solo men, couples clubs, as the name suggests, only let couples in. This means that for every lady and gentleman who are there, there is also a counterpart and so there are no unequal gender ratios. Especially if you are still a bit unsure, you can choose a couples club as a start. Many of the couples there are also new to the swinger scene and therefore rather insecure. Therefore, on average, less happens, because many do not (yet) dare to be offensive.

For a long time I had prejudices against swingers clubs that also allow solo men, but I was taught better.

The first obvious advantage of swingers clubs is: they are much cheaper. Couples pay less and solo ladies usually pay almost nothing. Solo men pay much more and there is a stricter selection at the door.

This is also immediately a tip to any woman reading here: If you are a crazy nature and like to experience something new, grab a girlfriend and go with her to such a club. You won't get cheaper food and drink as much as you want anywhere, in addition of course to the evening entertainment and the dance floor. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to – you can if you want to.

The second advantage is that you have more choice. Couples clubs are not as common as swingers clubs. In any case, no matter in which nest or ur-catholic region of Germany you live, you can be relatively sure that somewhere there is a swingers club within acceptable reach – not so sure that the same is true for a couples club.

The last advantage is, as absurd as it may sound: solo men.

Unlike the couples club, there are solo gentlemen who have a heightened interest in getting to know others and are active. This can make you and your companion uncomfortable if you are inexperienced or jealousy plays a role in your relationship. I personally have learned to appreciate this atmosphere. Even though I was never interested in the solo gentlemen with my respective escorts, they do create an atmosphere in which there is more open and more flirting – and therefore more happening than in a couples club. Certainly, it also depends on the exact choice of the club.

You will probably meet solo ladies, but you should not expect to have a threesome with two women and one man, even if it is possible – don't count on it.

The best tip to make a concrete decision for a club is in the first place the homepage and the description of the event itself. Many swingers clubs have a “couples night” and many also have various other theme nights. So if you want to visit a swingers club with your companion as a curious couple, you should probably choose such a couples night rather than the “hardcore XXL male surplus parties” that take place there as well. Unless of course you would like to.

The next good step is to create a profile on Joyclub and see who has signed up for that particular party. Good parties are often booked up months in advance. In addition, you can estimate the average age of the participants, as well as the social class, if you value such things. All this information together usually gives you a pretty good picture of what kind of club it is and what kind of crowd will probably be there that night. This picture is, in my experience, much more accurate than what the clubs themselves give you in terms of age average or what the homepage makes for an impression. That's why I think Joyclub research is a good solution if you want to take a closer look. You can also find special events in places that are not normally a swingers club. A basic profile is free as a couple at Joyclub.

Be aware that there are always pros and cons! Small family clubs make it easier to make contact, big clubs let you feel your own limits in peace. Cheap clubs often have a pleasant cordiality, in expensive clubs people often look prettier and so on and so forth.

How do I meet someone there?

You might already know all these things if you have visited a club before, or you can learn them by visiting one with an open mind. learn them by visiting one with an open mind. However, I have a few extra tips for you that may help you even if you have visited a club before, or if all this is nothing new to you.

The mistake that many couples make when they go to a club for the first time is that they think everything happens there without them having to do anything. Most women are used to just being flirted with and most men don't really know how to hit on a couple. Both in combination often leads to many couples being unsure and not really knowing what to do. The other couples present are probably just as insecure, and therefore little or nothing happens in the end. Yet the whole thing is not that difficult. There are basically three good ways to do partner swapping, if that is the goal.

The slow way for people who do not want rejection
The slow way is basically not much different from an everyday flirting situation, except that it's relatively clear to everyone involved what the deal is. You should try to be relatively on time for the start of the party. This is the phase when everyone is still wandering around the dance area or clustering around the buffet. You just join in this dance, but look for contact. These clubs are usually designed to make it easy to find contact. You can just sit down at the table with another couple or couples. You can stand next to another couple at the bar or on the dance floor, or other random scenarios.

A simple “Hello”, or “Where are you from?” is usually quite enough here, no one expects quantum physics from you. On the contrary, everyone is well aware that having sex with each other is a possibility during the course of the evening, so there is often a high willingness to get to know each other quickly. At any point in the conversation, you can ask directly if the couple in question would like to join you on one of the playgrounds. If you have the feeling that they are not quite sure yet – this can often be because each of them is afraid of catching their own partner off guard – you can simply say that you are going “upstairs” now. Or just go to where the playgrounds are located in the club in question and just see if the two of you follow. If you were sympathetic to each other, this usually works pretty well. If the whole thing doesn't work, just go back and repeat the procedure – eventually it will work out!

This way is also especially suitable as a solo lady, because here you are in a relatively comfortable position and probably want to avoid making the gentleman's lady jealous.

The fast way when there is less patience
The fast way is very similar to the slow way, but it involves a much higher level of eroticism and physical contact. This means you choose a couch or the dance floor rather than the dining area as your point of contact and, after a brief introductory conversation, start kissing and getting hot with your partner. If they are not interested, they usually leave pretty quickly at this point. If they are interested, they usually start to do the same and after a short time the “hands start to wander” to see how the other couple reacts. If the ice is broken to the sexual you can then relatively quickly start to flirt offensively. It doesn't matter which of you starts it, because the second part of the couple will almost automatically start talking to the corresponding counterpart. The only important thing is that you try not to provoke jealousy by keeping the progress of your flirting synchronized. If you notice that one of the two is moving too fast, or is suspicious of what his or her partner is doing, just push him or her back to their partner. Let the two of them feel safe with each other and give them a chance to leave or talk things out and start over again a little slower if necessary. Or, alternatively, try it with another couple.

The super fast way, if you know exactly what you want.
This way is for all those who don't really want to get to know anyone, but just want to have sex and swap partners. To my knowledge this way is a speciality of the swinger scene and I haven't seen it working like this anywhere else.

As soon as you feel like it, go to a playground. Pick one where there is room for several couples. If you are relatively attractive and/or young, it doesn't matter if the playground is completely empty beforehand – people will come, don't worry.

Just start having fun together there, or lie down near a couple that interests you and start having fun. It will usually take a few minutes at most before the first hands wander over or contact is made in any other way. The whole thing runs almost automatically, without any great talking or effort.

If you are afraid of not being attractive enough, just wait until your chosen couple is a bit more “into it” before approaching. Often the standards of attractiveness become almost completely blurred while you're aroused, and you'll probably notice in yourself that your criteria can shift quite a bit and you suddenly enjoy having sex with people who might not have matched your own preferences before. This is not bad or strange, it is simply normal that horniness has this effect. And you can also take advantage of this.

To the best of my knowledge, this “super fast way” works almost always and for almost everyone, although of course not with everyone. By going to a big playground and not to a small corner, you have filtered out the people who are not interested in exchanging partners and touching each other almost from the beginning. Of course, it's also a bit more random with whom you have fun. But in my opinion, it's a very interesting experience to realize that maybe that's not always so important.

This tip is mainly for couples who are at peace with themselves. This tip should preferably not be used by solo men, because there it rather leads to the above-mentioned “marginal wanker” phenomenon, and the fewest couples really find attractive.

Secret tip: Flirt!
As last I would like to give you still another important tip on the way. In many clubs, just because people often end up having sex with each other, doesn't mean that they have better basic communication skills.

So if you just flirt normally in such a club and make an effort, just like you would in the wild, you already stand out considerably from the average. Be charming. Do not be afraid. Flirt with others, make physical contact, dance. Talk about how funny you think it is to be here and how you feel or that you were terribly nervous when you drove here. By doing these things, which are taken for granted in everyday flirting, you have the best chance to do something with exactly the couple you want to be sexually active with. You just have to forget this ulterior motive that everyone has, “Are we going to have sex later?” for a moment and remember who you have in front of you: people with normal fears and insecurities who like to have fun and like to be romanced and liked to be had.

 

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